Welcome to the Kanamara Matsuri, a festival so bold it makes your silly American spring break look like a church bake sale. This cultural masterpiece celebrates fortune, fertility, prosperity, and, naturally, the enormous wooden embodiment of all those virtues: Yes, the phallus. The big one.

Picture it: women of all ages and social classes, perched atop this timber titan, being paraded through the streets with all the reverence of a royal coronation and none of the subtlety.

And why the heck not? Who needs cherry blossoms or sappy moonlit haikus when you’ve got a hardwood crotch rocket the size of a V2 that could intimidate a mammoth?

So buckle up, grab your complimentary penis lollipop, and bask in the sheer audacity of it all, as the Kanamara Festival reminds us that life is short, not be to taken too seriously, and sometimes you just need to hop atop a massive wooden wiener in the name of good fortune and fertility.

And be sure to stroke the tip for good luck!